Word Girl Can't Write

Apologies for the past three months and potential false promises for the future. Nothing would have given me more pleasure than an ounce of inspiration and mental space - first to ponder, then to create humorous meditations on parenting and life. It's really quite satisfying. But nothing's happened since January compelling me to take up the digital pen. Sure, I would have thoughts, funny things happen, stirring the parts of my brain once devoted to the craft. But the motor remained silent - maybe a dead battery waiting for a jump? Even now, I don't feel particularly inspired; maybe the lack of inspiration providing my only power of insight. I've really been thinking about why I don't feel like writing and I've come to a modest and obvious conclusion; writing takes mental space and I've been living without space for the last little while.

While pondering the tightly stuffed interior of my mind, I've come to understand two things in my hiatus. One, the PTA will suck the life force out of you and two, some people have far more life force than others. If the PTA were a vampire, I would offer only the most meager of meals. I can do only a little before I feel empty, wrung-out and stressed. Others seem meatier, fuller, juicier and the PTA vampire fattens on their energy. Now, lest people think that this vampire is a person, let me tweak my metaphor for fuller understanding. The PTA is not one person, but a school, an Oakland public school so in need of resources, time, cookies, fundraising, crayons, time, paper, copying, time, pens, persuasion, compassion and more time, that the beast has no choice but to use any and all that are willing. Without parents, the school would be weaker, sadder and not the community center that we all feel happy about. Without parents, our teachers would feel less supported, art and music would disappear, and the kids might have to scrounge for bits of scrap paper and broken crayons to draw their pictures. It's a sad state affairs - public education in California. Really sad, almost criminal.

So you do what you can; hell, I stay at home with Rose. I've got time, right? You'd think so, but after helping out with the big fundraiser, I feel like a empty sack o' PTA rubbish, drained of life force. And I'm the only one to take me there (And no PF, you are absolutely prohibited from thinking that you asked too much (head of fundraiser might read this)). The reality is that I have far less energy that the juicier people in the PTA, far less to offer the beast. The head of the fundraiser has two kids AND works full-time. Yeah. I don't know how you do that.

So, please don't think that the I resent the vampire, any time I've given over to sustaining the school or helping my kid; it just takes a lot of mental energy. For the big fundraiser I dressed up as Word Girl, made a complete fool of myself and hopefully inspired kids to read books for money. The whole experience was delightful, inspiring, fun and I'd do it again in a flash. But I slept for fourteen hours the next day. Other people just kept on going. Maybe I'm like.... all or nothing, on or off, BIG, then really small. I don't seem to be able to sustain the energy that these other folks have - to just keep on truckin', day in, day out. A few weeks after the big event, when the volunteering requests started piling up, all very important events at the school, I got brain fog just thinking about.

I remember when I worked at Cisco, in another life, and I'd finished a big project, I needed a week to recover. But instead, I got an afternoon of kudos then moved on to the next thing. I just got so tired of the next thing. Are there really people who need more down time than others, or am I just a wimp? Same goes with parenting. We have friends down the block who try to do one interesting thing a day with their short person on the weekends; I feel lucky if I feed them and get them to the park once a month. A slight exaggeration but the energy differential is something I've noticed my whole life and I just don't have the answers. Don't know why my star burns a little less brightly, or maybe really really bright, then not at all. I do need a lot of sleep.

For now, the PTA, my kids, Chris, AND my blog will just have to tap into the energy while it's flowing, because until I find another source, I'll just be ebbing and flowing. Catch me if you can. Peace.