A Break

So, I'll be taking a blog-break over the next few months because I'll be training for a triathlon. I don't know why. I should probably invent a more convincing response than, "just thought it was time to do it before I got too old," or "sounded like a good idea at the time." The reality is that I don't have a good answer. But the fact that my blog has been languishing for the past two months is a clear testament to how I've been spending my time. Alas, I have not been writing.

With the kids and Chris and the triathlon, I have time for little else. Phone calls are not being returned, the dust bunnies are forming an army and come out when guests are over, and most of the time my children look at me sideways with a mixture of disbelief and resentment. "Again? She's leaving us again?" They are not happy with me. Rose says, "You'd choose to go running/swimming/biking instead of reading me a story? You are the sorriest excuse for a caregiver - a disgrace to the name of mother." At least this is she would say if she weren't yelling, "Don't leave me Mama, I want you," while I try to shake her off my leg like a humping puppy.

This whole experience has me thinking about balance. Not that I'm not always thinking about balance; with two young children finding that elusive equilibrium between life and sanity feels like an endless quest. Still, you never want to drive your kids to the point where they're holding onto your leg; it just feels awful for everyone. But sometimes, you just gotta go, gotta do something that runs counter to your kid's immediate needs/desires/drama. Figuring out what you have to do and what you want to do is the real ticket. But here's the thing, I don't have to do this - I just want to. And some days, I feel like a schmuck. I might be able to squash a pumpkin with my quads, but I'm routinely missing story time. They are not happy with me.

I have a friend who asked me how I possibly had time to train for a triathlon with the kids. I didn't or couldn't answer her, because I know how she feels about family. For her, family time is number one, the kids are always number one and there are no exceptions. She stays at home so she gets big kid doses just like I do. But we are so different - I need more breaks, I am more easily overwhelmed by the constant demands of motherhood and I like going on dates with my guy.....alone.....a lot.

Shouldn't always surprise me that so many people do parenting so differently but it still does. And I guess when Rosie's hanging on my leg, I can't help but ponder life balance - to wonder if I am:

A. Providing a good model of exercise and working toward a goal
B. Exhibiting narcissism which will come up in therapy in the post-college years
C. Being essentially a good mother, although oddly absent of late, but who will certainly return to her usual duties come Fall.

Time will tell of course, but I hope that "triathlon" won't be a dirty word in our house, that the kids will forgive me for time lost and that we can pick up where we left off in September. Because, as much as I think about balance and how much time I've been spending away from the kids, doing something on my own has been inspiring, empowering and well, damn fun. So onward to more pumpkin squashing........ feeling slightly guilty still and looking forward to Fall. Oh, and thanks to Chris....for picking up all the story times.