I Am Two: Contract Revision, First Draft

I am two and I have little time or energy left to devote to our "misunderstandings," Mother. The following is a list of grievances and revisions to previous birth contract that I must raise before our conflicts become irreconcilable. I hope that we can reach a workable solution for all involved.

I. I like snot to remain on my face. Any time in the past that I've allowed you or others to wipe my nose must be summarily dismissed and forgotten. Slime which congeals on my face, gets in my hair, and creates a bond between the two, is infinitely preferable to a tissue.

II. Even though I am two and therefore big, I refuse to remain in the "big girl bed" as you and father like to refer to it. My initial excitement and approbation has ceased; the bed is yet another prison meant to restrain my freedom, curtail my independence and squelch my natural curiosity of the world. I will fall asleep on the floor in protest.

III. Any notion that you know what I want to wear must be forgotten. My desires and needs for comfort may seem to change and vary greatly, but it's only that you refuse to accurately gauge my mood and fashion sense. I don't know why you have a problem in this area, but I tire of advising you, so I choose to remain naked. Threats will go unheeded.

IV. Potty training, a euphemism for bowel coercion, is of absolutely no interest to me. Previous attempts to persuade me to sit on the giant plastic bowl must be abandoned for a more sensible approach...which is as follows: I will cease and desist wearing a diaper (or plastic catch-all from hell) at any time of day, sleeping or not, without care of waste disposal or clean-up. If I decide to sit on any bowl, porcelain or otherwise, I will get up and down as many times as I deem necessary, again, without care of waste disposal or clean-up. Refer to section III for dressing stipulations after such events.

V. Dietary choices and preparation times have been insufficient for my nutritional needs and appetites. My food must be varied each day, prepared with greater haste and efficiency, and with much closer attention to exact temperature specifications. Any ban on any foods for any reason must be lifted immediately. I now have full access to all refrigerated and pantry selections so this request serves only as a polite notification. I will serve myself or my dolls anything at any time of day. You will continue to clean in the event that the bags, boxes or containers are too full for self-service.

This is a preliminary list only. I reserve the right to change, modify or expand any existing section or add additional sections as I determine necessary for the continued success of our household and interpersonal relationships.

Thank you for your attention in these most serious matters. I'm confident that we can work out solutions to the aforementioned areas before I destroy the house.

Rose