Play Dates Are Hell

Play dates are hell. Am I the only parent out there that thinks that a meeting of five-year-olds doubles or triples an already overburdened workload? Play dates have such a good ring to them. A playmate to occupy your child; a person whose age, interests, and desire for physical activity perfectly align with the apple of your eye. Activities for two - another mind and body to complete the play circle. I always thought play dates meant a break. The misconceptions and ignorance of my pre-child days rival any successful misinformation campaign. Think WMDs but limited to dangerous explosions from 1) my temper and 2) kid's bodily fluids.

I love all of Harp's friends....I really do; they are sweet, polite and caring individuals. And I really want them to come over, even if so many of them comment on the size of our house, asking with delightful curiosity where the rest of the house might be. But more kids equals more work. The first 30-45 minutes of every play date is me preparing food for kids, special considerations taken for diet, allergies, preferences. I should probably shove some grapes and water in front of these young peeps and call it a day, but I just can't seem to draw the line. I mean, even when they're five, they're guests, guests that you want to treat well, show a good time, have them leave with a good impression, so they can come back, eat more food, dump more toys and require massive amounts of game facilitation.

Depending on the Friend Compatibility Quotient, I might get a few minutes without an intervention during any given play date. A high FCQ is optimal for parents, producing few tears, mostly giggles and minimal parental intervention. A low FCQ is........ quite the opposite. Expect to drink after a low FCQ play date. Harp had a high FCQ friend over the other day and it was delightful. They played in an expandable tunnel for two hours, creating worlds, rules for the game and collaborating better than most adults. I had very little to do except watch Rosie, because high or low FCQ, an extra person in the house is just too cool for Rosie; she's tries to imitate every move...requiring additional supervision. On one recent play date, I was called upon to draw a hopscotch course outside. Rosie started playing with the older peeps, then came over with a blue sidewalk chalk mouth; she taste tests everything, including her recreation, even if that means licking the sidewalk. Amazing I've only called Poison Control three times in her short life.

And then the friends with the low Friend Compatibility Quotient. Hmmmmm. This particular quotient is more work and much more difficult to manage. One little girl with a medium to low FCQ spent an afternoon with us recently and I didn't sit down for five hours. After snack was homework, helping two kids with questions while attending to Rosie and her proclivity for taste testing. Then on to outdoor activities, running through the urban sprinkler yard, which means, swimsuits, towels, sunscreen and guarding our infant vegetables as the girls leapt around the garden. We don't have a yard yet. Then more food, more drinks, more clean-up. Why don't we have this and that - "because this is my house, dammit and we don't buy Go-gurts." Then on to dress up, which means hair help, zippers, bows and trying to ferret out where the wet swim clothes ended up. At some point during the post-dressing up, preening stage, the little friend told Harper that she, the girl, had perfect eyebrows - that Harp's eyebrows would never be perfect because they were blond and not shaped as delicately as hers. Harp came over crying, needing consolation and reassurance that perfection is not an objective judgment, that she is perfect too. I'm confidant that Harper hadn't given her eyebrows a single moment's thought before their color and shape were impugned. Then dinner..... and "no, we don't have pepperoni pizza." Then wine for low FCQ supervisor.

It's all part of the game, I know, and I know they have to experience life's trial, conflicts, personality differences; it's how they learn to function in this fracked up world. But it's so much more work. And I'm not sure that the kids enjoy the low FCQ interactions either. Wouldn't it be great if we lived in some Brave New World where everyone had a FCQ rating. "A play date? Yeah - sounds great. What's your daughter's FCQ? Oooh, we're a 84. Sorry, not gonna happen. But that little girl over there is a 56 and she loves Go-Gurts. " Was Aldous Huxley's vision really so very wrong?