Yesterday, Harper hit a career high for average time of waking hours spent whining. She was tired, had been in the car and on the go far too long and she was just cranky. These factors have happened before, mind you; but they just usually don't result in all verbal sentiments expressed at such a ferociously irritating pitch.
So, Chris and I had been in the car too much, on the go and we were just a little cranky. If it were at all socially acceptable I would have been whining right alongside the child. But instead, we were forced to be the adults and listen to the purest vintage from our locally owned and operated "whinery." A good year.....a very good year. It was one of those days like I've have mentioned before - where maximum annoying behavior from child meets with minimum tolerance from parent; essentially it's the lower left quadrant in geometry......negative child, negative parents.....deep in negative territory.
At some point in the evening, I lost my cool and just flat out yelled, "Please stop whining." Here's what followed:
"But I like whining. Why can't I whine?"
"Because it's really annoying and Dad and I are tired of listening to it. Please use a normal voice."
"But why is it so annoying to you?"
And then I was momentarily confounded...because, really, why is whining so universally annoying? Why do I want to impale myself on a spoon when I hear it? Why does it take much larger chunks of the dwindling and precious pie of patience than normal kid behavior? I have absolutely no idea. I wave the question at the universe and invite response and debate.
The only thing I can think of is that, as a species, we're inherently pissed off when needy beings call on us in needy voices? But then, maybe not; they're needy all the time. They need you to feed them, clothe them, care for them in the most fundamental and simple ways. And although it's exhausting, it's seldom annoying. No, it's the voice, that voice - the high-pitch voice of desire, mixed with frustration, mixed with fatigue that trips some mental mine of parent patience. I have no idea, but for once, I think I'm not just merely projecting my own issues. For once, I'm fairly confident that whining has been reviled throughout the ages; that parents throughout history, across the world and in every language have taken deep breaths, eyes twitching with intolerance and let fly the words that parents hate saying even more than children hate hearing - "Please, Just Stop Whining! "
Monday, June 30, 2008
A Little Cheese With That Whine?
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4 drops of goodness:
Great question, Bethie.
Is there some kind of biological benefit to whining that we don't see?
In doing a little bit o' reading about whining, I come to understand that whining is what children do when they are feeling disconnected. They are seeking a true connection, and maybe that's why it's irritating to us. Because at that moment, we don't want to be connected. I think that every parent needs time of disconnect, or time during which they can connect with themselves or a partner or a friend. We need time off from being parents more often than it happens in our modern world.
I like to thing that in days gone by, when villages really did raise a child, children didn't want for this same kind of connection as much because they were getting it from other sources. Mom was busy pounding some grain into a powder, so child would wander over to the spiritual leader's place or to the village clown to find some connection or entertainment, there. Everyone knew this child, and could help the little one feel important and cared about. Their self-esteem was being built up by so many more folks than current lifestyles allow.
We are now isolated into these little families, and children have fewer outlets and chances for connection. As a result, they feel powerless and resort to whining to try to gain some connection.
As far as the high-pitched voice causing distress, it's interesting, isn't it? I think it connotes a kind of manipulation that isn't present in the regular neediness of being a kid. All this said, I must tend to my little one who is crying out in his sleep. Much less annoying because I can't honestly say that he's being manipulative in his sleep!
I wonder if there is an evolutionary biologist out there who can comment about the pitch of voices. I know that this is an issue with women--women with higher pitched voices aren't perceived as being authoritative or powerful. Perhaps because subconsciously we associate higher pitched voices with children's voices and hence with whiny voices.
I do wonder if it isn't just about the pitch and cadence. That if children used a whiney voice and attitude to describe mundane or even wonderful things we would also find it annoying. Imagine your daughter/son describing a day at school or what they had for lunch in a whiney voice and manner--you'd go bonkers no doubt.
But how to explain this to a 5 year old? You got me--maybe you could role play with her. Not when you are all in a negative quadrant, but you could say, you be the mommy and I'll be the daughter and lets see what happens when I whine.
Of course, this advice is coming from a non-parent, but in my head I think it'd be amusing to see what happens!
Great feedback and thoughts you two. Chris and I have tried the Doug and Wendy Whiner routine for Harp. And although it's funny and makes us all laugh for a couple of minutes, the whines return shortly thereafter. Just life in parenting. The minute they need so much is the minute when you have nothing left to give.
The minute they need so much is the minute when you have nothing left to give. That is the truth! There is a direct negative correlation between how much they need/want you and how much attention you can give. Just try picking up the phone and pretending to dial it...they'll come running from the other room needing something! As always, great article, Beth!
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